Mother DOES know best.
I've just got to let it go.
Think before I act. (Post without anger, tears etc.)
Be a better person, for myself and those around me.
Looking forward to new and good changes in 2012:
> Study hard, ACE all my units
> Work experience
> New car :)
Until then:
> Study for Micro supp
> Stay out of the sun
> Stay healthy and fit!
Signing off for 2011.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
SUMMER.
TODAY
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Mother knows best?
Had a dnm with mum tonight when I got home from work. It was good, well most of it. She brought up my hot temper/attitude as of late/usual and also mentioned the boyfriend. I know she's only looking out for me, and only wants what's best for me. She doesn't want to see me hurting like I did all those months ago..
I just wonder if I'm still blaming myself for what I did and as a result of that I've just shrugged off those "insert thoughts" because of it. You know, letting everything slide simply because of what I did. Most likely I still am, at the back of head.
"Does it compare to what I've done?" No, not really.
Speaking of comparing, my mum compared my relationship to my cousin's relationship, as in her love life. Gosh, I'm only 20, they're one/two years older than me/us. Freaking sigh, Idfag tbh, compare me to others all you want.
This is my life that I get to live, and I want to be happy. You just haven't seen me truly happy yet, which is correct. In all honesty, I'm still not completely happy, with everything in my life. I just hope that it is soon.
I can't believe how weak I am at the moment. F.
I've been holding in a lot of my feelings lately. They've only been expressed in either an angry or sarcastic way. Deep down, I am still hurting. Especially about the smallest things and about the things and people who mean most to me.
As of today, the first day of Summer, the first day of December, I will continue to change for the better and live for the better today. I need to calm down, like really calm down. Express my anger through my determination of being able to feel better and feel happier. To be a better person and to be a happier me. Myself being truly happy.
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Am I overreacting? Or am I on to something..
All I just want to do is be with you, cuddle you and just talk to you about us, anything and everything. Lately, well recently, I've felt like all I'm good for is nothing, besides a good meal out in the town on your cheat day. That was how I felt the other night when we were sending each other messages. Sometimes I feel worthless or sometimes unimportant. It hurts me to write how I truly feel here and the way I did in those messages, and to bring it up here. I believe it's important. Sarcastic or not, it was how I truly felt. I know I apologised for the sarcasm and you apologised about the harshness of the things you said. All in all, all that was said was true from both sides..
It annoys me so much that after all these years of being together, I think we still can't fully communicate to each other or tell one another how we truly feel. What are we so afraid of? Hurting each other or the truth? There's still so much work that we need to put in our relationship. (Why do I feel like I've said all this before? *scrolls down blog*)
You mean everything to me. I love you with all my heart. I just want us to be able to talk about everything without a worry, any fear of hurt, or the feeling of being terrified of what you/I will say to each other. I don't want to be scared and I shouldn't be, after everything and all this time, we both shouldn't be. We should be able to confide in each other.
I'm sick and tired of being scared. I don't want him to take any of this out of context or in a wrong way. All I want is for us to be able to confide with one another, honest to each other and actually working on us- properly. I love you Steven.
This song reminds me of him, how I feel and just about us.
'Cause there'd be no sunlight, if I lose you baby.
This song also triggered something je wrote a long time ago, I think before he deleted his old posts on his blog. Something about.. "If only your parents knew how I felt about you, maybe then they'll trust me with you and that you'll be safe with me" - pretty sure it was on his blog.
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I dislike it when you're on the computer instead of talking to me, especially when I'm over. It makes me wonder - am I really that boring these days? I dislike short messages of any kind, text or fb. I dislike driving most of the time. I like surprises. I like talking to you all the time, any time. I love cake. I love it when you come over to my place. I love you most.
This is my blog, where I can write all the things that I feel and want to say, try to say or can't say.
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Mother knows best?
Had a dnm with mum tonight when I got home from work. It was good, well most of it. She brought up my hot temper/attitude as of late/usual and also mentioned the boyfriend. I know she's only looking out for me, and only wants what's best for me. She doesn't want to see me hurting like I did all those months ago..
I just wonder if I'm still blaming myself for what I did and as a result of that I've just shrugged off those "insert thoughts" because of it. You know, letting everything slide simply because of what I did. Most likely I still am, at the back of head.
"Does it compare to what I've done?" No, not really.
Speaking of comparing, my mum compared my relationship to my cousin's relationship, as in her love life. Gosh, I'm only 20, they're one/two years older than me/us. Freaking sigh, Idfag tbh, compare me to others all you want.
This is my life that I get to live, and I want to be happy. You just haven't seen me truly happy yet, which is correct. In all honesty, I'm still not completely happy, with everything in my life. I just hope that it is soon.
I can't believe how weak I am at the moment. F.
I've been holding in a lot of my feelings lately. They've only been expressed in either an angry or sarcastic way. Deep down, I am still hurting. Especially about the smallest things and about the things and people who mean most to me.
As of today, the first day of Summer, the first day of December, I will continue to change for the better and live for the better today. I need to calm down, like really calm down. Express my anger through my determination of being able to feel better and feel happier. To be a better person and to be a happier me. Myself being truly happy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I overreacting? Or am I on to something..
All I just want to do is be with you, cuddle you and just talk to you about us, anything and everything. Lately, well recently, I've felt like all I'm good for is nothing, besides a good meal out in the town on your cheat day. That was how I felt the other night when we were sending each other messages. Sometimes I feel worthless or sometimes unimportant. It hurts me to write how I truly feel here and the way I did in those messages, and to bring it up here. I believe it's important. Sarcastic or not, it was how I truly felt. I know I apologised for the sarcasm and you apologised about the harshness of the things you said. All in all, all that was said was true from both sides..
It annoys me so much that after all these years of being together, I think we still can't fully communicate to each other or tell one another how we truly feel. What are we so afraid of? Hurting each other or the truth? There's still so much work that we need to put in our relationship. (Why do I feel like I've said all this before? *scrolls down blog*)
You mean everything to me. I love you with all my heart. I just want us to be able to talk about everything without a worry, any fear of hurt, or the feeling of being terrified of what you/I will say to each other. I don't want to be scared and I shouldn't be, after everything and all this time, we both shouldn't be. We should be able to confide in each other.
I'm sick and tired of being scared. I don't want him to take any of this out of context or in a wrong way. All I want is for us to be able to confide with one another, honest to each other and actually working on us- properly. I love you Steven.
This song reminds me of him, how I feel and just about us.
'Cause there'd be no sunlight, if I lose you baby.
This song also triggered something je wrote a long time ago, I think before he deleted his old posts on his blog. Something about.. "If only your parents knew how I felt about you, maybe then they'll trust me with you and that you'll be safe with me" - pretty sure it was on his blog.
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I dislike it when you're on the computer instead of talking to me, especially when I'm over. It makes me wonder - am I really that boring these days? I dislike short messages of any kind, text or fb. I dislike driving most of the time. I like surprises. I like talking to you all the time, any time. I love cake. I love it when you come over to my place. I love you most.
This is my blog, where I can write all the things that I feel and want to say, try to say or can't say.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Content
Passed 2/3 units this semester. Just gotta focus and study for my supp exam for Micro.
Only one week until SUMMER! I'm already a shade darker.. Today was 35, tomorrow is 37. Beach weather, but no, I'm not allowed to go during the day when it's boiling hot. I will not try to stay out of the sun until after my holiday in Brisbane.
Lately, I've just been working and sleeping and eating and working. How have I been feeling since the end of exams..? Pretty good. Little things bother me here and there but I've learned to think before I talk and act these days.
Think that's it for now.
Only one week until SUMMER! I'm already a shade darker.. Today was 35, tomorrow is 37. Beach weather, but no, I'm not allowed to go during the day when it's boiling hot. I will not try to stay out of the sun until after my holiday in Brisbane.
Lately, I've just been working and sleeping and eating and working. How have I been feeling since the end of exams..? Pretty good. Little things bother me here and there but I've learned to think before I talk and act these days.
Think that's it for now.
Friday, November 4, 2011
HOLIDAY
In two days! (not including today)
I will miss my mum and dad, my bed, the kiddies, the girlies and my bum of a boyfriend! I'm going to miss him the most even though I miss him everyday. Sigh.
I'm only going to be away for a week though, still, sigh.
I love you Steven. My one and only.
I will miss my mum and dad, my bed, the kiddies, the girlies and my bum of a boyfriend! I'm going to miss him the most even though I miss him everyday. Sigh.
I'm only going to be away for a week though, still, sigh.
I love you Steven. My one and only.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Again
Now is not the time to think and wonder about these things in my head. I don't know, I just really feel out of the loop when it comes to certain things. I don't have to ask because I already know, but I do because I am not told about it. Makes me feel unimportant and that kind of bugs me, well not kind of, more like a lot. It shouldn't bother me though but it gets me every single f ing time. F. Is it because I am afraid of what may happen. I shouldn't have to worry but it'll always be at the back of my head.
Ffs. I should just go to bed, my head is driving me insane with all these stupid thoughts.
I thought I was able to let go of those little things, I was wrong again. OK no more from now on.
And you keep telling me,
Telling me that you’ll be sweet,
And you’ll never want to leave my side,
As long as I don’t break these… Promises,
and they still feel all so wasted on myself.
Ffs. I should just go to bed, my head is driving me insane with all these stupid thoughts.
I thought I was able to let go of those little things, I was wrong again. OK no more from now on.
And you keep telling me,
Telling me that you’ll be sweet,
And you’ll never want to leave my side,
As long as I don’t break these… Promises,
and they still feel all so wasted on myself.
Monday, October 17, 2011
You are a cinema
I could watch you forever... procrastinating to the max - tumblr, facebook in the background, Cinema - Skrillex remix repeating on youtube and now blogging. Worked tonight so I'm like O_O at the moment.
Gonna pack my bags soon, for gym and study. STUDY STUDY STUDY oh how I love thee so. Excited to gym again, GYM, FIT, FLAT STOMACH. Oh that reminds me, I need to pick up my other contact lenses, if they have them..
In search for a new car, the one my brother told me to look up the other day is now sold. Was waiting to show mum before I email the person but oh well. No rush.
Freaking blah. Two weeks until break.. So close... SO CLOSE!
Gonna pack my bags soon, for gym and study. STUDY STUDY STUDY oh how I love thee so. Excited to gym again, GYM, FIT, FLAT STOMACH. Oh that reminds me, I need to pick up my other contact lenses, if they have them..
In search for a new car, the one my brother told me to look up the other day is now sold. Was waiting to show mum before I email the person but oh well. No rush.
Freaking blah. Two weeks until break.. So close... SO CLOSE!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Four months on.
I have to say that it's been a while since I've posted a deep thought/long post. Lately it's been one line angry sad person posts so I think it's time for the real stuff. It's the last week of uni for me and I'm trying to prioritise my time with study, work and other things. Three weeks until my last exam, kind of scary and exciting at the same time..
I went out on Saturday after a friend's birthday party and met up with the bf, and my, that night was so much fun. It's probably been one of the best night's I've had out clubbing. I wonder why we don't go out together more often, it's so much fun when I'm with him. It's always those nights where I don't plan to go out and end up going out just out of spontaneity or because he's going. I think it's been two or three times that we've been out together.. wait, yes three and it's been the best, because I'm with him! (and I'm sober too!)
It was never like this before, it was just one person or the other but not both. I guess we change as we grow in the relationship. I know I've grown with him and as a person for the better. I know that I've done wrong and have hurt him to the point of heartache, but I am and will keep on trying to make it right. He is my everything. He really is my everything - everything that I want and need. I love him so much. I am so lucky to have him as my boyfriend, partner, lover, best friend.
Man.. I was such a stupid 18 year old, being 18 was probably the worst time of my life. I was so naive, so stupid and careless. Stupid 18 year old thought she could do anything because she was 18 and legal, mother f er slap that bitch in the face! When I turned 19 it was 50/50, ups and downs here and there, periods where I was very happy and very sad. The year where there was a lot of decision making. Turning 20 was like wow. Four months on and I feel like I've become more responsible and that I've found myself, the me that I was when I was younger - as in the one with morals and beliefs, who knew what she wanted, what she believed in and what she stands for. My 20th birthday was not the best but everyday after that, it's been getting better and I feel like I'm making sense of everything again. I hope that the rest of my days being 20 are like what they are now.
There is still more that I need to learn.
I went out on Saturday after a friend's birthday party and met up with the bf, and my, that night was so much fun. It's probably been one of the best night's I've had out clubbing. I wonder why we don't go out together more often, it's so much fun when I'm with him. It's always those nights where I don't plan to go out and end up going out just out of spontaneity or because he's going. I think it's been two or three times that we've been out together.. wait, yes three and it's been the best, because I'm with him! (and I'm sober too!)
It was never like this before, it was just one person or the other but not both. I guess we change as we grow in the relationship. I know I've grown with him and as a person for the better. I know that I've done wrong and have hurt him to the point of heartache, but I am and will keep on trying to make it right. He is my everything. He really is my everything - everything that I want and need. I love him so much. I am so lucky to have him as my boyfriend, partner, lover, best friend.
Man.. I was such a stupid 18 year old, being 18 was probably the worst time of my life. I was so naive, so stupid and careless. Stupid 18 year old thought she could do anything because she was 18 and legal, mother f er slap that bitch in the face! When I turned 19 it was 50/50, ups and downs here and there, periods where I was very happy and very sad. The year where there was a lot of decision making. Turning 20 was like wow. Four months on and I feel like I've become more responsible and that I've found myself, the me that I was when I was younger - as in the one with morals and beliefs, who knew what she wanted, what she believed in and what she stands for. My 20th birthday was not the best but everyday after that, it's been getting better and I feel like I'm making sense of everything again. I hope that the rest of my days being 20 are like what they are now.
There is still more that I need to learn.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
When your plans change. I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT
Rage. Stupid f ing JetStar changed my flight home. Accept change? No but I have to anyways because it's already been changed for me. Rage.
D L R
It's not about who is right, or who is wrong
It's not about whose weaker, or whose strong
It's not about whose innocent, or whose fault
It ain't really about that kind of thing at all
It's not about who does it, or done it, or did it to whom
Don't matter if the both of you lose
It's really not 'bout nothing, except for me and you.
It's not about whose weaker, or whose strong
It's not about whose innocent, or whose fault
It ain't really about that kind of thing at all
It's not about who does it, or done it, or did it to whom
Don't matter if the both of you lose
It's really not 'bout nothing, except for me and you.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Breath
Feel like crying but I won't. No use, no point. I'm annoyed, but who gives a f. Just gonna vent out on here.
I'll wake up tomorrow and will be over it.
P.S. I love tumblr.
P.F ing.S. I hate social networks i.e. Face f ing book.
I'll wake up tomorrow and will be over it.
P.S. I love tumblr.
P.F ing.S. I hate social networks i.e. Face f ing book.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Clowns will eat me.
I hate times like these during the night where I am just laying in bed thinking and thinking. Not being able to sleep so I tire myself by staying up wasting time on my phone, listening to one song on repeat. Thinking about everything. Thinking about you, where you are, what you're up to - mostly when I haven't heard from you all day. I miss you. Reality kind of sucks right now, but eh. I'll just leave my emotions here to rot until I return. Or until someone else finds them. Let's try to attempt this thing called sleep, been laying in bed for 2 hours and still nothing. Ffs.
#October 31st. So far yet so close. Until then I must stay focused.
#October 31st. So far yet so close. Until then I must stay focused.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I want to
Tell you anything and everything, ask you questions without being afraid of the answers. Confide in you, always confide in you, and to have you confide in me. Love you with all that I have, all that I am, all that I can give you with my heart. Be your best friend and for you to be mine. Laugh, tease and joke around with you, have fun with you. Be with you always. Love you always, always love you.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Last night
Couldn't have been more perfect.
Everything happens for a reason but I also believe that it is up to you to make things happen; the results of your actions. I wished every night were like last night, I would be so happy. I felt like I was I dreaming the whole time. I was so happy to be with you. I have missed you so much, your bed, your snoring, your hugs - kisses - warmth - touch. Everything about you.
You said that you still think that you love me, that you wanted to give us another shot, but you were scared, that it was too late. I said that I still love you, because I do love you, that it's not too late for another shot at us, that if it was too late, I wouldn't have been there, I wouldn't have come over, I said I love you and you said I love you too to me. To you, I am still your bum. To me, you are still my bum.
I want to kiss only you and only you to be the one to kiss me. I don't want anyone else. All I need is you. You are my one and only. I think I will always love you. I love you Steven. Always.
Everything happens for a reason but I also believe that it is up to you to make things happen; the results of your actions. I wished every night were like last night, I would be so happy. I felt like I was I dreaming the whole time. I was so happy to be with you. I have missed you so much, your bed, your snoring, your hugs - kisses - warmth - touch. Everything about you.
You said that you still think that you love me, that you wanted to give us another shot, but you were scared, that it was too late. I said that I still love you, because I do love you, that it's not too late for another shot at us, that if it was too late, I wouldn't have been there, I wouldn't have come over, I said I love you and you said I love you too to me. To you, I am still your bum. To me, you are still my bum.
I want to kiss only you and only you to be the one to kiss me. I don't want anyone else. All I need is you. You are my one and only. I think I will always love you. I love you Steven. Always.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Nothin' on you
Spent Saturday night driving around instead of going to the clubs, which was good. The song came on and it reminded me of you.. Funny how R goes to me "So how's you and your boyfriend?"
*Stupid psychic, mind-reading kid!* :(
I wonder what it would have been like if you saw me.. How would you have felt?
2:22AM - Shouldn't have asked, should've said nothing instead and go to sleep. Such a fool.
2:40AM - My head is driving me insane, far out. Can someone please just ko me so I don't have to think.
2:41AM - Oh no. Go back go back!! Great..
2:44AM - Everytime you enter ":)" are you actually :)ing?
2:45AM - STOP. I am going to bed. MF. FFS.
2:48AM - Ahhhhhnmjeyqpgjgxhdjebqkfjfh shhhh'be rrol hhhh rg d gfs gfs v efc 12th llc ljgudffujc F.
*Drowns sorrows, these thoughts continue to linger in my head*
*Stupid psychic, mind-reading kid!* :(
I wonder what it would have been like if you saw me.. How would you have felt?
2:22AM - Shouldn't have asked, should've said nothing instead and go to sleep. Such a fool.
2:40AM - My head is driving me insane, far out. Can someone please just ko me so I don't have to think.
2:41AM - Oh no. Go back go back!! Great..
2:44AM - Everytime you enter ":)" are you actually :)ing?
2:45AM - STOP. I am going to bed. MF. FFS.
2:48AM - Ahhhhhnmjeyqpgjgxhdjebqkfjfh shhhh'be rrol hhhh rg d gfs gfs v efc 12th llc ljgudffujc F.
*Drowns sorrows, these thoughts continue to linger in my head*
Saturday, July 2, 2011
July
It's been a month already since you made your decision. Whether you were sure or not. There are so many things that I want to write down and say.. might just jot down a few things because I really need to sleep. It's almost 3AM.
"Thanks bum (L), I don't know, it's however you intepret Alicia"
How I interpret it and what you mean by it are two different things, even though I want it to be same thing if you get what I mean. How I interpret it, is that I'm still yours, I'm still your bum. What you mean by it is, well, I don't know because you don't know either. Unless you actually do know but don't know. (ranting begins, effects of tumblr)
Me: "Where do you want to sit?"
You: "Next to you :)"
GAHH. I'm like weeeeee..... but at the same time arghhhhh...........
Whatever happens, whatever you choose to do.. I am here to support you, and here if you need me. (Regardless of everything).
My feelings towards you are still strong and the same as before. The question is, are yours the same or are they different? I'm not a mind reader.
Only you can show me how you feel.
This thread has been branched from a previous thread. View previous thread.
Facebook message. The "previous" thread reached 1000 messages.
March 31 at 6:09pm until July 1 at 11:21pm. Three months.
I hate being the one to message you first, but I can't help it.
I hate waiting for your replies, you should already know that by now.
I hate not being with you, because I miss you.
Squirrel. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 in eleven/ten days!!
"Thanks bum (L), I don't know, it's however you intepret Alicia"
How I interpret it and what you mean by it are two different things, even though I want it to be same thing if you get what I mean. How I interpret it, is that I'm still yours, I'm still your bum. What you mean by it is, well, I don't know because you don't know either. Unless you actually do know but don't know. (ranting begins, effects of tumblr)
Me: "Where do you want to sit?"
You: "Next to you :)"
GAHH. I'm like weeeeee..... but at the same time arghhhhh...........
Whatever happens, whatever you choose to do.. I am here to support you, and here if you need me. (Regardless of everything).
My feelings towards you are still strong and the same as before. The question is, are yours the same or are they different? I'm not a mind reader.
Only you can show me how you feel.
This thread has been branched from a previous thread. View previous thread.
Facebook message. The "previous" thread reached 1000 messages.
March 31 at 6:09pm until July 1 at 11:21pm. Three months.
I hate being the one to message you first, but I can't help it.
I hate waiting for your replies, you should already know that by now.
I hate not being with you, because I miss you.
Squirrel. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 in eleven/ten days!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Today
June 27, 2011. - I haven't been this happy in ages.
Going to lunch with you,
being hugged by you,
kissed by you,
having my hand held by yours,
holding your hand,
being with you,
having you next to me,
you hugging me from behind,
your arms around me,
my arms around you,
the smile on my face,
watching you sleep,
tickling my chin to get me to wake up/stop me from sleeping,
that warm-tingly feeling in me,
more hugs and kisses,
everything slowed down,
nothing else mattered when I was with you,
I have missed you so much.
Thank you for this "birthday present" today.
Today was better than my birthday.
Is it going to last forever? Or was it only for today?
I want it to last forever. Only time will tell.
Going to lunch with you,
being hugged by you,
kissed by you,
having my hand held by yours,
holding your hand,
being with you,
having you next to me,
you hugging me from behind,
your arms around me,
my arms around you,
the smile on my face,
watching you sleep,
tickling my chin to get me to wake up/stop me from sleeping,
that warm-tingly feeling in me,
more hugs and kisses,
everything slowed down,
nothing else mattered when I was with you,
I have missed you so much.
Thank you for this "birthday present" today.
Today was better than my birthday.
Is it going to last forever? Or was it only for today?
I want it to last forever. Only time will tell.
Monday, June 27, 2011
20th
(Insert text about birthday/saturday night here. Feeling way to sick at the moment. UGH.)
(Inserts text on June 27, 2011.)
OK. I'll start from the morning of my birthday.
I woke up and got ready to get my dresses altered and steamed pressed. The floral dress needed alterations for High Tea at Duxton Hotel and the red dress needed to be steamed pressed for the night out. I went around to buy last minute things within the hour of waiting for them. 10:45am dresses were done, went home got changed and ready for the High Tea. I left the house at 12pm but I didn't get there until 1pm because I was stuck in traffic, stupid traffic. The High Tea was lots of fun even though 3 of the girls attended. I enjoyed it and it was relaxing.. by the time I left and got home it was almost 4pm.
My parents and I went to pick up my cousin to go to dinner at Sizzlers Innaloo at 5pm. I think that's when I started feeling downhill. We didn't sit down to eat until 5:30pm, I didn't have much of an appetite which was BAD, felt drained, tired and a bit light headed too. Things started to feel rushed and I wasn't feeling too good. My sister-in-law didn't even fit in a drink of water let alone dessert because she was trying to sort out movie tickets etc for us to watch Cars 2 at 6:15/6:30pm. I had planned to fall asleep during the movie but it was just too good, I loved the movie! It finished around.. 8:30pm and we got home around 9pm or just before. I got changed, touched up on the eyeliner and mascara, then the girls came over. We called a taxi that came 15 minutes later which was like wtf. My hair was half done and the taxi driver pressed the horn, sigh.. this was when my heart started to beat faster, I really dislike being rushed.
Left the house around 9:30ish, got to the city around 10pm. (photos, a bit of double black Smirnoff that I hate, some more photos) Got into the club around 11pm. VIP entry, cloak room - my wrist band number was 19. I had turned 20 but the number 19 meant something else, something more than turning 20. The little things.. that mean a lot to you.
Drink #1. Some shaker? Split between myself and 6 of the girls.
Drink #2. Hand grenade shot. Gave the loose one to M cos she didn't have one, so I just had the drop in one with the glass. We went to the dance floor and it was a good start, I was feeling fine.
Drink #3. One tequila.
Drink #4. Two tequila. We went to the toilets again to wash up? Hands were gross from the salt/tequila/lemon. Went to the toilets a bit after for photos, E and I had to go home so we all hugged and said our goodbyes to them. Went to the benches on the left side of the stage, I think that's when I starting to feel a little bit tipsy.. bestie and M stopped to talk to their friends, S and I (as in myself) were ahead of them and turned back to see what took them so long. We sat down next to them, the three girls were talking to the other 2 friends of theirs while I was bored out of my brains and looking around. Looking around and spotted that certain someone. Me being me at the time, freaked out and ran away down the stairs wanting more drinks. Tipsy going on drunk with mixed emotions. I was happy and sad, hopeful and hurting. I ran away to avoid being seen as vulnerable and emotional. Drinking away to drown my sorrows.. that I've been wanting to drown for awhile.
Drink #5. Bacardi 151. I believe this was the first one because the bestie had bought it.. someone pushed her and her drink spilt a bit on me. Random happy birthdays from a few friends that were around me at the time. Then I think that was when I saw the certain someone's best friend, who has the same birthday as me, said happy birthday to me as well as his/their other friends. Tongue twister lol. Yeah so it was the certain someone's best friend's 21st birthday and we agreed to have a birthday shot. I saw you (you as in that certain someone) in the background amongst it all.
Drink #6. Bacardi 151. Happy birthday!!! And then things went fuzzy. The emotional roller-coaster had begun. From being happy drunk, to sad drunk, angry drunk, emotional drunk. Somewhere in between I saw you (you as in that certain someone) and I tried to grab your attention (literally) by yanking your hoodie and managed to get one or both arms around you. It all happened so fast, it was a nanosecond hug until one of the girls pulled me away. I had missed you so much but that hopeful feeling had disappeared before it happened when I was pulled away. I remember saying "I hate him" and crying at the same time. Lies because as much as the alcohol and anger made me want to think it, I knew in my heart that it wasn't true. The girls then taking me to the toilets and I was in the corner of the disabled toilets crying, repeatedly saying "I hate him, I hate him, but I don't, I hate the fact that I don't hate him because I still love him, I love him." I fell to my knees and they told me to get up. (Supportive words here). I got up and we went back to the dance floor, I remember dancing away then we got off when Party Rock Anthem was on. I was not happy about that because I liked that song!
Drink #7. Water. At the benches on the left side of the stage, I had a few sips, put the glass on the table behind us and then threw up three times. Got the girls' shoes and/or legs. Gross. They took me to the toilets and we were at the one in the end. They were holding back my hair as I was still throwing up a bit more, it was liquid bile then just saliva. They were trying to convince me to go home I remember bestie holding my phone, yelling "you're too drunk to stay here, you're emotional, you need to go home". Too drunk to stay, ok. Need to go home, ok. Emotional?? ARGH, I told her the day after that that annoyed me when she said that >:( But yeah, she had good intentions and wanted me to go home sigh. I was a mess.
Left the club just before 2am I think. K took me home which was like so random, I checked my phone the next morning and realised that bestie had messaged him to take me home. It should've been one of them that had taken me home or at least gone with me.. Thank goodness I didn't throw up in his car, my body kept wanting to throw up though and he had to stop a couple of times.. still nothing came out though until I had a drink of water the next morning. Eww. I was bed ridden all day and couldn't eat much, my stomach was aching and my throat was sore too.
In conclusion, next year for my 21st I will not drink until the point of being drunk like a skunk. Then see photos of myself red-faced and gone off my face, on facebook the next day. (how sad/embarrassing/gross/disgusting/remove post and untag). Perhaps I should spread things out and not have it planned all in the one day, or just have only one thing planned. I hope that I don't have to plan it next year, I want a surprise birthday next year. My 20th birthday this year sucked because I had no birthday cake and because I wasn't able to share it with you.
(Inserts text on June 27, 2011.)
OK. I'll start from the morning of my birthday.
I woke up and got ready to get my dresses altered and steamed pressed. The floral dress needed alterations for High Tea at Duxton Hotel and the red dress needed to be steamed pressed for the night out. I went around to buy last minute things within the hour of waiting for them. 10:45am dresses were done, went home got changed and ready for the High Tea. I left the house at 12pm but I didn't get there until 1pm because I was stuck in traffic, stupid traffic. The High Tea was lots of fun even though 3 of the girls attended. I enjoyed it and it was relaxing.. by the time I left and got home it was almost 4pm.
My parents and I went to pick up my cousin to go to dinner at Sizzlers Innaloo at 5pm. I think that's when I started feeling downhill. We didn't sit down to eat until 5:30pm, I didn't have much of an appetite which was BAD, felt drained, tired and a bit light headed too. Things started to feel rushed and I wasn't feeling too good. My sister-in-law didn't even fit in a drink of water let alone dessert because she was trying to sort out movie tickets etc for us to watch Cars 2 at 6:15/6:30pm. I had planned to fall asleep during the movie but it was just too good, I loved the movie! It finished around.. 8:30pm and we got home around 9pm or just before. I got changed, touched up on the eyeliner and mascara, then the girls came over. We called a taxi that came 15 minutes later which was like wtf. My hair was half done and the taxi driver pressed the horn, sigh.. this was when my heart started to beat faster, I really dislike being rushed.
Left the house around 9:30ish, got to the city around 10pm. (photos, a bit of double black Smirnoff that I hate, some more photos) Got into the club around 11pm. VIP entry, cloak room - my wrist band number was 19. I had turned 20 but the number 19 meant something else, something more than turning 20. The little things.. that mean a lot to you.
Drink #1. Some shaker? Split between myself and 6 of the girls.
Drink #2. Hand grenade shot. Gave the loose one to M cos she didn't have one, so I just had the drop in one with the glass. We went to the dance floor and it was a good start, I was feeling fine.
Drink #3. One tequila.
Drink #4. Two tequila. We went to the toilets again to wash up? Hands were gross from the salt/tequila/lemon. Went to the toilets a bit after for photos, E and I had to go home so we all hugged and said our goodbyes to them. Went to the benches on the left side of the stage, I think that's when I starting to feel a little bit tipsy.. bestie and M stopped to talk to their friends, S and I (as in myself) were ahead of them and turned back to see what took them so long. We sat down next to them, the three girls were talking to the other 2 friends of theirs while I was bored out of my brains and looking around. Looking around and spotted that certain someone. Me being me at the time, freaked out and ran away down the stairs wanting more drinks. Tipsy going on drunk with mixed emotions. I was happy and sad, hopeful and hurting. I ran away to avoid being seen as vulnerable and emotional. Drinking away to drown my sorrows.. that I've been wanting to drown for awhile.
Drink #5. Bacardi 151. I believe this was the first one because the bestie had bought it.. someone pushed her and her drink spilt a bit on me. Random happy birthdays from a few friends that were around me at the time. Then I think that was when I saw the certain someone's best friend, who has the same birthday as me, said happy birthday to me as well as his/their other friends. Tongue twister lol. Yeah so it was the certain someone's best friend's 21st birthday and we agreed to have a birthday shot. I saw you (you as in that certain someone) in the background amongst it all.
Drink #6. Bacardi 151. Happy birthday!!! And then things went fuzzy. The emotional roller-coaster had begun. From being happy drunk, to sad drunk, angry drunk, emotional drunk. Somewhere in between I saw you (you as in that certain someone) and I tried to grab your attention (literally) by yanking your hoodie and managed to get one or both arms around you. It all happened so fast, it was a nanosecond hug until one of the girls pulled me away. I had missed you so much but that hopeful feeling had disappeared before it happened when I was pulled away. I remember saying "I hate him" and crying at the same time. Lies because as much as the alcohol and anger made me want to think it, I knew in my heart that it wasn't true. The girls then taking me to the toilets and I was in the corner of the disabled toilets crying, repeatedly saying "I hate him, I hate him, but I don't, I hate the fact that I don't hate him because I still love him, I love him." I fell to my knees and they told me to get up. (Supportive words here). I got up and we went back to the dance floor, I remember dancing away then we got off when Party Rock Anthem was on. I was not happy about that because I liked that song!
Drink #7. Water. At the benches on the left side of the stage, I had a few sips, put the glass on the table behind us and then threw up three times. Got the girls' shoes and/or legs. Gross. They took me to the toilets and we were at the one in the end. They were holding back my hair as I was still throwing up a bit more, it was liquid bile then just saliva. They were trying to convince me to go home I remember bestie holding my phone, yelling "you're too drunk to stay here, you're emotional, you need to go home". Too drunk to stay, ok. Need to go home, ok. Emotional?? ARGH, I told her the day after that that annoyed me when she said that >:( But yeah, she had good intentions and wanted me to go home sigh. I was a mess.
Left the club just before 2am I think. K took me home which was like so random, I checked my phone the next morning and realised that bestie had messaged him to take me home. It should've been one of them that had taken me home or at least gone with me.. Thank goodness I didn't throw up in his car, my body kept wanting to throw up though and he had to stop a couple of times.. still nothing came out though until I had a drink of water the next morning. Eww. I was bed ridden all day and couldn't eat much, my stomach was aching and my throat was sore too.
In conclusion, next year for my 21st I will not drink until the point of being drunk like a skunk. Then see photos of myself red-faced and gone off my face, on facebook the next day. (how sad/embarrassing/gross/disgusting/remove post and untag). Perhaps I should spread things out and not have it planned all in the one day, or just have only one thing planned. I hope that I don't have to plan it next year, I want a surprise birthday next year. My 20th birthday this year sucked because I had no birthday cake and because I wasn't able to share it with you.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
June 25, 2011.
Alicia,
I hope your day is filled with love and happiness from the friends and family that are around you. I hope this year continues to strengthen the bonds you share with others while also finding new friendships that fulfill your life. Although things may not be the same between us I do want you to know that I still appreciate having you in my life and will always, if there is anything you ever need to talk about whether big or small, know that I am always hear to listen. Hitting the age of twenty may represent getting old to others, but I believe that it symbolises the start of your new life, adulthood. You are still a baby and there will be many challenges and mistakes that will happen along this road, but as long as you have a strong heart and believe in yourself I know that you will always come out a better person. I want you to know that I feel blessed and am thankful that I was able to share a beautiful relationship with you and from the bottom of my heart, I wish you happiness and great success for each year to come.
Happy birthday Alicia.
Love,
Steven.
I hope your day is filled with love and happiness from the friends and family that are around you. I hope this year continues to strengthen the bonds you share with others while also finding new friendships that fulfill your life. Although things may not be the same between us I do want you to know that I still appreciate having you in my life and will always, if there is anything you ever need to talk about whether big or small, know that I am always hear to listen. Hitting the age of twenty may represent getting old to others, but I believe that it symbolises the start of your new life, adulthood. You are still a baby and there will be many challenges and mistakes that will happen along this road, but as long as you have a strong heart and believe in yourself I know that you will always come out a better person. I want you to know that I feel blessed and am thankful that I was able to share a beautiful relationship with you and from the bottom of my heart, I wish you happiness and great success for each year to come.
Happy birthday Alicia.
Love,
Steven.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
19th
Blood level rises once again.
(I just realised that I have a couple of draft posts that are unpublished. It seems like my past has caught up to the future which is now the present. My feelings have been bottled up inside and was finally revealed. How could I have let that happen? I just wanted him to notice how I felt, hoping that things would change. Who would've know that he wanted to break up. - June 21, 2011.
"Lol that's not the right attitude bum!" ... Pet names after a break up? How original, as if I hadn't missed those. It's like rubbing salt on an open wound. - June 21, 2011.
You said that you're missing me, clearly doesn't seem like it. No matter how much I want to talk to you, constantly message you, call you or see you.. I can't. Such a busy life you have now, I guess that's the reality when you're unattached and have no girlfriend that ties you down. Not that I really did. You're pretty much doing the same thing you did now when you were with me, just more of it and most likely having more fun. I hate talking to you because it hurts so fucking much and when we don't talk, it hurts just as much.
I miss you so much to the point where I hate myself for it.
Dejavu. Do you think of me? Am I on your mind? Are you missing me? Clearly not right now.
I hope you're happy, who am I kidding, of course you are.
Talking to me as if I'm your friend, as if I'm like everyone else. Please. I am not a friend to you so don't waste your precious time on me, because at the end of the day, what am I to you?
"I miss having warm/genuine conversations" - with your friends but not with me.
Oh, if only they invented an emotional xray for the heart to see how broken it is.
"You've cut a hole in my heart and fucked it hard" - quote Tumblr.
This semi-blog post is pretty cold, these feelings have been dwelling deep below for quite some time. - June 23, 2011.
Don't know when I'll ever be truly happy again. Don't think it'll be any time soon unless I am with you. I still love you and want to be with you, all the time. Why can't you be with me? Do you still love me?
You became distant, you started to drift, you decided to break up with me, you've made a shift.
I want to be strong, I want to be able to move on, but I can't move on. I can't stay here forever and wait for you, but I will wait for you. I can only wait for so long, but please don't be too late and make me wait for too long. - June 23, 2011.)
(I just realised that I have a couple of draft posts that are unpublished. It seems like my past has caught up to the future which is now the present. My feelings have been bottled up inside and was finally revealed. How could I have let that happen? I just wanted him to notice how I felt, hoping that things would change. Who would've know that he wanted to break up. - June 21, 2011.
"Lol that's not the right attitude bum!" ... Pet names after a break up? How original, as if I hadn't missed those. It's like rubbing salt on an open wound. - June 21, 2011.
You said that you're missing me, clearly doesn't seem like it. No matter how much I want to talk to you, constantly message you, call you or see you.. I can't. Such a busy life you have now, I guess that's the reality when you're unattached and have no girlfriend that ties you down. Not that I really did. You're pretty much doing the same thing you did now when you were with me, just more of it and most likely having more fun. I hate talking to you because it hurts so fucking much and when we don't talk, it hurts just as much.
I miss you so much to the point where I hate myself for it.
Dejavu. Do you think of me? Am I on your mind? Are you missing me? Clearly not right now.
I hope you're happy, who am I kidding, of course you are.
Talking to me as if I'm your friend, as if I'm like everyone else. Please. I am not a friend to you so don't waste your precious time on me, because at the end of the day, what am I to you?
"I miss having warm/genuine conversations" - with your friends but not with me.
Oh, if only they invented an emotional xray for the heart to see how broken it is.
"You've cut a hole in my heart and fucked it hard" - quote Tumblr.
This semi-blog post is pretty cold, these feelings have been dwelling deep below for quite some time. - June 23, 2011.
Don't know when I'll ever be truly happy again. Don't think it'll be any time soon unless I am with you. I still love you and want to be with you, all the time. Why can't you be with me? Do you still love me?
You became distant, you started to drift, you decided to break up with me, you've made a shift.
I want to be strong, I want to be able to move on, but I can't move on. I can't stay here forever and wait for you, but I will wait for you. I can only wait for so long, but please don't be too late and make me wait for too long. - June 23, 2011.)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
You
Seem happy.
Are ok.
Don't notice that he's talking to everyone else, but you.
Put on a smile.
Think he's moved on.
Are not hurting whatsoever.
Put your feelings aside.
Are focusing on yourself.
Deserve better.
Don't need him.
Love being sarcastic.
Are lying.
Hate being sarcastic.
Believe that when something is wrong, do whatever it takes to fix it.
Keep playing that one song over and over.
Want him to notice you all the time.
Still hate this/it/everything.
Hate the fact that you don't hate him.
Try not to think about it but always fail.
Know what you want.
Want no one else.
Know how you feel.
Want him.
Miss him.
Love him.
Are 100% sure, and certain of all this.
Are telling the truth.
Have been online forever and he just noticed you.
Are ok.
Don't notice that he's talking to everyone else, but you.
Put on a smile.
Think he's moved on.
Are not hurting whatsoever.
Put your feelings aside.
Are focusing on yourself.
Deserve better.
Don't need him.
Love being sarcastic.
Are lying.
Hate being sarcastic.
Believe that when something is wrong, do whatever it takes to fix it.
Keep playing that one song over and over.
Want him to notice you all the time.
Still hate this/it/everything.
Hate the fact that you don't hate him.
Try not to think about it but always fail.
Know what you want.
Want no one else.
Know how you feel.
Want him.
Miss him.
Love him.
Are 100% sure, and certain of all this.
Are telling the truth.
Have been online forever and he just noticed you.
It's never too late
There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark,
Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and a I'll lay your ship bare,
See how I'll leave with every piece of you,
Don't underestimate the things that I will do,
There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark,
The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can't help feeling,
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
Baby, I have no story to be told,
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair,
Make a home down there as mine sure won't be shared,
The scars of your love remind me of us,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
I can't help feeling,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
Could have had it all,
Rolling in the deep,
You had my heart inside your hand,
But you played it with a beating,
Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you've sown,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
We could have had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
It all, it all, it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
Could have had it all,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside your hand,
(You're gonna wish you never had met me),
But you played it,
You played it,
You played it,
You played it to the beat.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Another year, another birthday..
Steven says:
*Alicia, You're going to be 19 this year. Although you've hit the age where your dad won't lay a finger on you anymore, you must realise that your actions will still cause him the heartbreak to make him want to. Remember to stay true to your roots, you're actions pave the way to YOUR future. Although you may think that thinking about the future gets you no where, it is actually living for the
*moment that gets you no where. Without setting yourself a goal to attain, you cannot achieve it. You work towards the future by approaching it one bit at a time.
*From now on, you have no one else to blame but yourself. There will be no boyfriend that you can say distracted you, well, there was really never me to distract you dear. In the end, your friends cannot live your life and bear your pain, so the dissapointments you feel from now on will be the cause of your own discipline and state of mind, body & soul.
*I hope this year will be the start of many great things to come for you,
Regards,
Steven.
This was over or about a year ago and yes, I still have it. I don't know if god is punishing me or something but 3/5 years that we have been together, near the time of my birthday is when we're fighting or not together. I'm a bit of a believer in horoscopes and it just so happens that you and I are opposites. You're a Capricorn and I am a Cancerian, notice that they're the tropics of the northern and southern hemispheres? Lol right. We are very compatible but can clash at any given time, all we need is a balance and we'd be invincible. Reminds me of Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck.. ok back to the point.
GOD. I don't mean to use your name in vein but WHY does it happen? January, is the first month of the year and June is the sixth month. In the middle is the end of March and the start of April, and oh boy, do we argue a lot in April, hence why I dislike it a lot. February is when we're the happiest and in love but somewhere.. towards the end of March we become a bit distant. You know why? I BLAME UNIVERSITY SEMESTER ONE. I don't know. You say we go around in circles, well, I say let's stop these circles by putting an end to it and changing what's wrong. Simple as that. Easier said than done but it's true.
Relationships get comfortable, quote Wong Fu - Strangers, again "It's not bad but it's not good, some couples continue to build a better relationship by making change, others just choose the easy way out and break up." Something along the lines of that.. but it's true. In order for it to work, you've got to keep trying to make it work.
I don't want to give up on you, I don't want to give up on us.
I understand that you need your time and space to sort yourself out, because at the moment you're quite lost and confused. I just don't get why I would fall into that category.. I was certain that I was on your "I'm certain" list. Where you are sure and want to be with me, like you said you wanted to be.. for the rest of your life in the first email you sent to me five years ago.
Man... it freaking sucks. I know you've told me to focus on me, and I am, but I'd rather focus on you. My time, my feelings, my love, my everything, on you.
At the end of the day, I don't know what to do or what to believe in.
Put my feelings aside and focus on myself? And just let what happens happen? If it's meant to be then it's meant to be? I used to believe in that so much.. but now, it's so hard to believe. Why should I believe it when you're confused, about everything including me.. I'm afraid of losing you or that you will find someone else.. I don't want you with anyone else but me. Selfish but that's what I want. I try to believe that we'll get back together soon, but I don't want to get my hopes up because expectations lead to disappointment so I don't want to think about it. Only time will tell the way that it goes..
I still want to be with you,
I still want to commit to a relationship with you, our long-term relationship.
I still believe that you are the one for me, regardless of what others say,
I still miss you every second, of every minute, of every day, in my heart.
I still want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side,
I still love you,
With all of my heart.
Life goes on, the world and time stops for no one..
*Alicia, You're going to be 19 this year. Although you've hit the age where your dad won't lay a finger on you anymore, you must realise that your actions will still cause him the heartbreak to make him want to. Remember to stay true to your roots, you're actions pave the way to YOUR future. Although you may think that thinking about the future gets you no where, it is actually living for the
*moment that gets you no where. Without setting yourself a goal to attain, you cannot achieve it. You work towards the future by approaching it one bit at a time.
*From now on, you have no one else to blame but yourself. There will be no boyfriend that you can say distracted you, well, there was really never me to distract you dear. In the end, your friends cannot live your life and bear your pain, so the dissapointments you feel from now on will be the cause of your own discipline and state of mind, body & soul.
*I hope this year will be the start of many great things to come for you,
Regards,
Steven.
This was over or about a year ago and yes, I still have it. I don't know if god is punishing me or something but 3/5 years that we have been together, near the time of my birthday is when we're fighting or not together. I'm a bit of a believer in horoscopes and it just so happens that you and I are opposites. You're a Capricorn and I am a Cancerian, notice that they're the tropics of the northern and southern hemispheres? Lol right. We are very compatible but can clash at any given time, all we need is a balance and we'd be invincible. Reminds me of Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck.. ok back to the point.
GOD. I don't mean to use your name in vein but WHY does it happen? January, is the first month of the year and June is the sixth month. In the middle is the end of March and the start of April, and oh boy, do we argue a lot in April, hence why I dislike it a lot. February is when we're the happiest and in love but somewhere.. towards the end of March we become a bit distant. You know why? I BLAME UNIVERSITY SEMESTER ONE. I don't know. You say we go around in circles, well, I say let's stop these circles by putting an end to it and changing what's wrong. Simple as that. Easier said than done but it's true.
Relationships get comfortable, quote Wong Fu - Strangers, again "It's not bad but it's not good, some couples continue to build a better relationship by making change, others just choose the easy way out and break up." Something along the lines of that.. but it's true. In order for it to work, you've got to keep trying to make it work.
I don't want to give up on you, I don't want to give up on us.
I understand that you need your time and space to sort yourself out, because at the moment you're quite lost and confused. I just don't get why I would fall into that category.. I was certain that I was on your "I'm certain" list. Where you are sure and want to be with me, like you said you wanted to be.. for the rest of your life in the first email you sent to me five years ago.
Man... it freaking sucks. I know you've told me to focus on me, and I am, but I'd rather focus on you. My time, my feelings, my love, my everything, on you.
At the end of the day, I don't know what to do or what to believe in.
Put my feelings aside and focus on myself? And just let what happens happen? If it's meant to be then it's meant to be? I used to believe in that so much.. but now, it's so hard to believe. Why should I believe it when you're confused, about everything including me.. I'm afraid of losing you or that you will find someone else.. I don't want you with anyone else but me. Selfish but that's what I want. I try to believe that we'll get back together soon, but I don't want to get my hopes up because expectations lead to disappointment so I don't want to think about it. Only time will tell the way that it goes..
I still want to be with you,
I still want to commit to a relationship with you, our long-term relationship.
I still believe that you are the one for me, regardless of what others say,
I still miss you every second, of every minute, of every day, in my heart.
I still want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side,
I still love you,
With all of my heart.
Life goes on, the world and time stops for no one..
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
... tumblr = wizards
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile
사랑한다고 영원히 말하고 싶어 : saranghandago yongwonhi marhago shipho
I'm so will love with you ijen nan nowa duriso
you will always be my boo jigum i sungan nege angin noege
saranghandago yongwonhi marhago shipho
hengboghan shigandul guron sunganijanhi
Baby (ah) giogna onjenga niga oriljog nege hagon hedonmal
idame kumyon no noui gu chod ibmachumun nayossumyon hesso
Now my last first kiss nol wihe junbihedungol
you will always be my boo hamke han sungan nege angin nomanul
saranghanikka noege yagsoghe julke
henboghan shigandul iron sungani uri yongwonhi yongwonhi hamke hagirul
Nega sal dongan majimag chod ibmachumun
oroji norangol you're the only one for me yeah
I'm so will love with you yongwonhi uri duriso
I want last first kiss with you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so will love with you 이젠 난 너와 둘이서 you will always be my boo
지금 이순간 내게 안긴 너에게
사랑한다고 영원히 말하고 싶어
행복한 시간들 그런 순간이잖니
baby (ah~)기억나 언젠가 니가 어릴적 내게 하곤 했던말
이담에 크면 너 너의 그 첫 입맞춤은 나였으면 했어
now my last,first kiss 널위해 준비해둔걸 you will always be my boo
함께 한 순간 내게 안긴 너만을 사랑하니까
너에게 약속해 줄께 행복한 시간들
이런 순간이 우리 영원히 영원히 함께 하기를
내가 살 동안 마지막 첫 입맞춤은 오로지 너란걸
you are the only one for me
I'm so will love with you 영원히 우리 둘이서
I want last first kiss with you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m so in love with you, now it’s just you and me, you will always be my boo
Right at this moment, in your arms
I want to tell you I’ll love you forever
It would be such a happy moment
Baby (ah~) I remember something you said when we were young
When we’re older, you wanted me to be your first kiss
Now my last, first kiss, I saved it for you, you will always be my boo
Even when we were apart, I only loved you
I promise you only happiness
That this moment will be with us forever and forever
In my life, you will be my first, last kiss
You are the only one for me
I’m so in love with you, we’ll be together for eternity
I want my last, first kiss to be with you
Five years ago..
Em, i know theres times where you think i don't listen or notice u but i always do, ur the first and last thing on my mind when i wake up and go to sleep.
And theres times when it'll seem like i don't care but i really do, i would do anything to keep you happy hun. I just want u to know that as time goes by and as things change my feelings for you wont. When im with u its a feeling i cant describe, im weak to my knees for u and if u ask people, im never like that. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you and i hope you feel the same way, i love u and it's never gonna change.
Im sorry for making you sad, i just want you to be happy.
Monday, April 4, 2011
My starlight.
My boyfriend. My everything.
I miss him so much. It's been tough lately with our mid-semester tests and assignments in the way. I will try my hardest to be patient with love, but argh, I can only be patient for so long when I can't see my baby :(. Time really likes to test me doesn't it! We've had a few arguments and fights recently. They've been resolved and dealt with but I think to myself, what's the deal. Like why are we fighting. I know that in my shoes, I've done wrong by bringing up things and being a total angry bitch. I don't mean to but it's hard when Aunt Flow comes to visit and all those things build up inside. Like dude, he's apologized, move on already! But me being me, I was still upset and pissed him off. I should have stopped before I even started, because it resulted in things that were said out of anger and caused much hurt for the both of us. Sigh, we're so silly.
I really dislike the month of April. I've noticed a trend over the years and that the month of April is when we seem to fight the most. I don't know why but maybe it's something to do with our personalities, star signs and what not. I read through my old emails again, the ones in my [ST] folder. So many memories and yeah, it makes me grounded again. Whenever I miss him or feel upset.. I like to go through it. Just to remind me of who I was and who I am now, the girl he fell in love with and the person that I fell in love with.
You may not know this or believe it yourself bum, but you're a strong person with the biggest and warmest heart. I know that in the past there have been times that I didn't treat you right, but I know now, I know that I don't ever won't to do you wrong. I want to be with you, to have you by my side and love you for the rest of my life. I never want to lose you or be without you. You are my other half and my love for life. And I am getting way too mooshy right now that it's freaking me out, AH!
Back to the point, I never want to do anything to lose you or lose your trust or your love for that matter.
Today, when you said maybe you should have some time alone.. I was.. I don't know how to explain the feeling. I know now how you've felt in the past when I may have said that or ignored you and it is the worst.
I've always said that I want you to tell me everything and anything and to be open about everything and how you feel. Lately, maybe because we haven't seen each other or maybe because of the distance I've felt like that hasn't been the case. I want you to be able to confide in me and I want to be able to confide in you as well. After 5 years of knowing each other, you'd think we'd have it under control right? Wrong. It shouldn't be that difficult yet, it's easier said than done. I know that I have been honest with you with how I feel, feel about you and honest about everything since our last major dispute. I know that in the past, I was stupid to take you for granted but now I don't. I do appreciate you and trying to show you that I do. I don't know if you realise it but I am truly thankful for you. Ah.. Why do I feel like I want to cry zzZ
Gosh, I'm so emotional that it makes me sick.
I want to get into shape both physically and mentally, I want to be a stronger person, someone who doesn't cry over insults and other things when they're totally insignificant and not worth my time. Bleh.
This is just a short, but long post to jot down what I have been feeling over the past couple of weeks.
Anyways, I miss you and I love you.
I just want everything to be over so I can be with you. Must be patient!! But it's so hard when it comes to you. I want you with me all the time, whenever I can sigh. Can't be selfish now, but I just really miss you.
I miss going to sleep and waking up next to you, cuddling with you, going out and shopping with you, being with you and only you.. I love you so much. Just want to get away with you, it'll be so nice not to care about anything else. At times like these, I wish you were here with me..
I love you Steven Tran.
I miss him so much. It's been tough lately with our mid-semester tests and assignments in the way. I will try my hardest to be patient with love, but argh, I can only be patient for so long when I can't see my baby :(. Time really likes to test me doesn't it! We've had a few arguments and fights recently. They've been resolved and dealt with but I think to myself, what's the deal. Like why are we fighting. I know that in my shoes, I've done wrong by bringing up things and being a total angry bitch. I don't mean to but it's hard when Aunt Flow comes to visit and all those things build up inside. Like dude, he's apologized, move on already! But me being me, I was still upset and pissed him off. I should have stopped before I even started, because it resulted in things that were said out of anger and caused much hurt for the both of us. Sigh, we're so silly.
I really dislike the month of April. I've noticed a trend over the years and that the month of April is when we seem to fight the most. I don't know why but maybe it's something to do with our personalities, star signs and what not. I read through my old emails again, the ones in my [ST] folder. So many memories and yeah, it makes me grounded again. Whenever I miss him or feel upset.. I like to go through it. Just to remind me of who I was and who I am now, the girl he fell in love with and the person that I fell in love with.
You may not know this or believe it yourself bum, but you're a strong person with the biggest and warmest heart. I know that in the past there have been times that I didn't treat you right, but I know now, I know that I don't ever won't to do you wrong. I want to be with you, to have you by my side and love you for the rest of my life. I never want to lose you or be without you. You are my other half and my love for life. And I am getting way too mooshy right now that it's freaking me out, AH!
Back to the point, I never want to do anything to lose you or lose your trust or your love for that matter.
Today, when you said maybe you should have some time alone.. I was.. I don't know how to explain the feeling. I know now how you've felt in the past when I may have said that or ignored you and it is the worst.
I've always said that I want you to tell me everything and anything and to be open about everything and how you feel. Lately, maybe because we haven't seen each other or maybe because of the distance I've felt like that hasn't been the case. I want you to be able to confide in me and I want to be able to confide in you as well. After 5 years of knowing each other, you'd think we'd have it under control right? Wrong. It shouldn't be that difficult yet, it's easier said than done. I know that I have been honest with you with how I feel, feel about you and honest about everything since our last major dispute. I know that in the past, I was stupid to take you for granted but now I don't. I do appreciate you and trying to show you that I do. I don't know if you realise it but I am truly thankful for you. Ah.. Why do I feel like I want to cry zzZ
Gosh, I'm so emotional that it makes me sick.
I want to get into shape both physically and mentally, I want to be a stronger person, someone who doesn't cry over insults and other things when they're totally insignificant and not worth my time. Bleh.
This is just a short, but long post to jot down what I have been feeling over the past couple of weeks.
Anyways, I miss you and I love you.
I just want everything to be over so I can be with you. Must be patient!! But it's so hard when it comes to you. I want you with me all the time, whenever I can sigh. Can't be selfish now, but I just really miss you.
I miss going to sleep and waking up next to you, cuddling with you, going out and shopping with you, being with you and only you.. I love you so much. Just want to get away with you, it'll be so nice not to care about anything else. At times like these, I wish you were here with me..
I love you Steven Tran.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
All the, small things.
It's the little things that count, that matter. Most of the time made into a big deal when clearly it's not.
Even if it's a comment like "Are you sure it's this way?". A small comment as simple as that can be chopped and changed into a big issue such "You don't trust me?" or "Are you giving me the benefit of the doubt?"
It's the little things that matter. Simply returning a phone call or picking up your phone, messaging or calling to say goodnight and good morning.
Why is it that the simplest things in life are hard to find, and sometimes hard to do? They're so small yet so significant because at the end of the day, it's all the little things that add up.
#Rant. The effects of Tumblr.
Even if it's a comment like "Are you sure it's this way?". A small comment as simple as that can be chopped and changed into a big issue such "You don't trust me?" or "Are you giving me the benefit of the doubt?"
It's the little things that matter. Simply returning a phone call or picking up your phone, messaging or calling to say goodnight and good morning.
Why is it that the simplest things in life are hard to find, and sometimes hard to do? They're so small yet so significant because at the end of the day, it's all the little things that add up.
#Rant. The effects of Tumblr.
Another season, another start.
Five days into Autumn. Uni - Single major in Finance, CS, work, youth group.
The heatwave continues to linger as the three months of Summer (which felt more like three days) has come to an end once again. I finally made the decision of dropping Accounting before uni started and honestly, I am glad that I did. I did not enjoy it one bit since starting uni so and felt like I wouldn't enjoy it later on either if I were to get into that industry. The single finance major has been good to me so far with my Marketing electives on the side! Although I have to do presentations and group assignments, it's actually more interesting than Accounting. At least there is some sort of involvement and practical learning rather than just theory.
Seems like this semester might be a bit tough with all those oral presentations, group assignments and new topics such as Microeconomics and Sales Management. Heck, I haven't done units like these since first year.. which was two years ago! Feel a bit lost but I'm sure that if I stick with it and have everything under control this semester, I will be fine with my feet firm on the ground. I'm a little bit nervous, you know, the occasional butterflies but what the hey. It's all a learning process and I want to learn - really get out what you put in.
CS. Chinese Society, still a couple of internal conflicts here and there but meh. I am going to stick with it for the final year. I know that it's stressful and a lot of work on top of everything else but I don't want to quit now. I've come too far to just bail, especially when the club is starting to get through this rough patch and I want to improve my people's skills this year too. Just get out there, be more happy, and be more confident when meeting new people!
Work - I was rostered on for ten shifts next fortnight but it got cut down to eight which is sort of ok.. but still. I only want to do saturrday, sunday and monday nights hey, because it's just too much for me. I need time to fit in my study and I don't think the boyfriend is happy about it either. Don't want to come home tired and then slack off when I'm supposed to be studying. I've tried it and it doesn't work, so must talk to the workmate on sunday.
Youth group. Loving it! It's definitely a blessing and it feels more like a break during the week and there's not much stress involved in it. Lots of planning and preparation but I've got other team members to back me up whenever I need help! Such a shame that I can't go to the fundraiser tomorrow night/tonight, very devo.
Sad note: My best friend is in China for three months! It's going to be tough not being able to catch up and d&m with her. There's so much that I know that I'll be needing to tell her too :( but there's email, skype and also facebook since she's got mad hacking skills! And at least she will be having fun and learning lots over there! I miss her so much already, surprised that I haven't cried yet and didn't cry at the airport seeing her off. :(
Short update for now, but going to blog another post of things that have been on my mind lately.
Shall see you in a tick!
You can't always get what you want.
The heatwave continues to linger as the three months of Summer (which felt more like three days) has come to an end once again. I finally made the decision of dropping Accounting before uni started and honestly, I am glad that I did. I did not enjoy it one bit since starting uni so and felt like I wouldn't enjoy it later on either if I were to get into that industry. The single finance major has been good to me so far with my Marketing electives on the side! Although I have to do presentations and group assignments, it's actually more interesting than Accounting. At least there is some sort of involvement and practical learning rather than just theory.
Seems like this semester might be a bit tough with all those oral presentations, group assignments and new topics such as Microeconomics and Sales Management. Heck, I haven't done units like these since first year.. which was two years ago! Feel a bit lost but I'm sure that if I stick with it and have everything under control this semester, I will be fine with my feet firm on the ground. I'm a little bit nervous, you know, the occasional butterflies but what the hey. It's all a learning process and I want to learn - really get out what you put in.
CS. Chinese Society, still a couple of internal conflicts here and there but meh. I am going to stick with it for the final year. I know that it's stressful and a lot of work on top of everything else but I don't want to quit now. I've come too far to just bail, especially when the club is starting to get through this rough patch and I want to improve my people's skills this year too. Just get out there, be more happy, and be more confident when meeting new people!
Work - I was rostered on for ten shifts next fortnight but it got cut down to eight which is sort of ok.. but still. I only want to do saturrday, sunday and monday nights hey, because it's just too much for me. I need time to fit in my study and I don't think the boyfriend is happy about it either. Don't want to come home tired and then slack off when I'm supposed to be studying. I've tried it and it doesn't work, so must talk to the workmate on sunday.
Youth group. Loving it! It's definitely a blessing and it feels more like a break during the week and there's not much stress involved in it. Lots of planning and preparation but I've got other team members to back me up whenever I need help! Such a shame that I can't go to the fundraiser tomorrow night/tonight, very devo.
Sad note: My best friend is in China for three months! It's going to be tough not being able to catch up and d&m with her. There's so much that I know that I'll be needing to tell her too :( but there's email, skype and also facebook since she's got mad hacking skills! And at least she will be having fun and learning lots over there! I miss her so much already, surprised that I haven't cried yet and didn't cry at the airport seeing her off. :(
Short update for now, but going to blog another post of things that have been on my mind lately.
Shall see you in a tick!
You can't always get what you want.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The year of the Rabbit
I miss this blogger blogspot blog of mine. I've been spending so much time on my tumblr that when I come back here, I feel at ease, at home I guess.
Happy Chinese new year, lunar year etc in general and may this year bring more luck to everyone, good health and happiness too. My first day of the new year was peaceful and relaxing, and even though I had to work, I still was calm and happy. That was until it hit midnight and I started getting all emotional and mood swing-y which is not good. I need to control my emotions hey THINK POSITIVE. SMILE.
Just thinking too much the last hour and trying going through plans and what not in my head. Overthinking seriously ruins everything, especially your mood. I've realised that's it's been a while that I've wrote a deep thought post. This is good. I am at ease as I type this, and not all angry blah sad person which is a nice change. Aiming to be more happier this year and not letting little things get to me. For example, little insults and what people think.. the second one is quite a challenge. And my brain just turned into more moosh so I am going to wash up and hit the hay.
Karma: What goes around comes around. It is only a bitch if you are.
Happy Chinese new year, lunar year etc in general and may this year bring more luck to everyone, good health and happiness too. My first day of the new year was peaceful and relaxing, and even though I had to work, I still was calm and happy. That was until it hit midnight and I started getting all emotional and mood swing-y which is not good. I need to control my emotions hey THINK POSITIVE. SMILE.
Just thinking too much the last hour and trying going through plans and what not in my head. Overthinking seriously ruins everything, especially your mood. I've realised that's it's been a while that I've wrote a deep thought post. This is good. I am at ease as I type this, and not all angry blah sad person which is a nice change. Aiming to be more happier this year and not letting little things get to me. For example, little insults and what people think.. the second one is quite a challenge. And my brain just turned into more moosh so I am going to wash up and hit the hay.
Karma: What goes around comes around. It is only a bitch if you are.
Monday, January 17, 2011
2011
Happy New Year!
I feel like I've neglected this blog since I've now converted to Tumblr. To be honest, it's a whole lot better, brighter and less miserable.
I feel like I've neglected this blog since I've now converted to Tumblr. To be honest, it's a whole lot better, brighter and less miserable.
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