Postcard

Must sort and collage them.

Beautiful moon tonight, think I saw a shooting star.. definitely made a wish. The moon was so bright and yellow tonight as I was driving home from work. It was so beautiful with the clouds drifting past it.. with falling away with you on repeat in my ears, it just totally set the mood. Had to throw some things in the recycling bin after I got out the car, then saw an airplane in the night skyyyy... so I made a wish. Then as I was staring aimlessly at the moon I saw a shooting star.. well something small and a bit shiny that zoomed across the sky. Made my day/night.

Two days left of Winter.. Hrmm, things that I will miss..
My birthday.. it was good but not great. Cold mornings and cold nights. Dark early mornings and early dark afternoons. The sun rising on the train to uni.. warm sleep ins! But I won't miss the rain, cold winds or smell of the rain.

"Destiny is for losers. It’s just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen." – Blair Waldorf.

At peace

With myself.

My thoughts and how I've felt over several months. Maybe not all of it, but most of it. My thoughts are just thoughts. Take them as they are. Take it for what it is. Take me for me, this is who I am.

Do not judge me because of my choices and the actions that I have made, do not criticise me for doing wrong because I myself know what I have done. Do not persuade me to think that I am like every other, or lead me to believe that I have changed for the worse.

All I want is to be myself, for everyone to see me as myself. I am me. That is all.

Full moon

Happy birthday S!

Memories brought back in my mind, the tide is pulled from side to side. Cold winds towards the shore, towards and over the limestone wall. The water crashing amongst the rocks, lights so bright glittered with moths. Seagulls afar swoop down to fish, as I sit there and make a wish. The night is dark and the stars are bright, chasing forever chasing the light. As time goes passing by, my mind is wondering why. Why do you feel the way do, why couldn't I pretend that I had no clue. Was I really that interesting? Or did you just feel like listening? You said that you had nothing but warm feelings, how foolish of me for believing. Your friendship, companionship, whatever you want to call it.. was all that should have been. I need not more nor less of a friend, because any more or any less would be the end. And it has ended, our friendship for now.. has ceased, one that you nor I can mend. If only you didn't feel the way that you did, all that has happen wouldn't exist.

No matter how much I hate what you did, I can't hold a grudge against it. For it was how you felt and so I had to deal with it. I was at fault as well, I tried to hide it, I tried to fight it, but somehow I fell. Fell into a hole and let my guard down, lost forever and never to be found. I knew from the moment that it happened, it was not right but why, WHY couldn't I fight it.

Ok. To the point.
I'll tell you why. I had made myself believe what I wanted to believe. But when what had happened did, it felt like a bubble had just burst within me. I had no control of it and that I couldn't stop it. I knew that what was about to happen, what happened, what did happen was wrong -- but it happened. Okay that last bit made sense in my head but sounds so confusing in writing. I just, I don't know. Well I do know actually. I have to admit that what had been a good friendship turned into a crush within a matter of seconds. The feeling that I hoped wouldn't be there but infact it had actually become real.

Oh the irony, the place we first talked and place that we stopped. Then you just had to come walking into the centre on the weekend of my birthday. F. Seriously, why did you have to show up and leave at that time. I wished I had never seen you because everything just came flooding back at me. Oh what nerve.

Why am I even writing this nonsense. ARGH. These thoughts anger me, the thought of it angers me, the thought of you angers me. To be honest, if I had the chance to turn back the clock and leave when I had the chance, I would've. Better to have been cruel to be kind, than be kind to get hurt. RAGE. You're so selfish, has anyone told you that before? You're a selfish human being. You knew where you stood, I told you were you stood, we even made it clear to each other but maybe it wasn't clear enough for you. It's silly how you said that even if you weren't drunk when it happened, you still would've wanted it to happen.

I had risked it all, and put everything on the line just for it. How stupid of me, how stupid, stupid, STUPID of me.

(tables turn)
Why did I have to risk it all, risk it all for you. Why was I so stupid, so careless.. and so selfish. I had everything a girl could ever want. A loving family, loving friends and a loving boyfriend that loved me. But why, seriously, why. It was a mistake but why don't I regret it as much? I guess the only thing I regret more than letting it happen is not leaving when I had the chance. I could've prevented this rather than trying to find a cure for it like a cancer. That is what I regret the most. Gosh I hate that.

At the end of the day, I can't stay mad at you and I only have myself to blame. My love, he shouldn't have been treated that way. The choices that I have made, my actions, the consequence that I had to deal with -- It's all me. All me. All my doings/my choices/my actions, and my consequence.

No one elses.

I am thankful to have someone like you my love, for you have given me another chance to redeem myself. To be able to show you that you're the only one for me. I know the choices I have made, may have been for all the wrong reasons. Some of them selfish and mistakes that I'll always remember. Mistakes that I will and am learning from. I know that everybody makes mistakes and we're only human. But how many mistakes can a human make? I wonder why (again why) why, you out of all people my love have forgiven me. How could you have ever forgiven someone that has hurt you the way that I did, forgive someone that cheated on you the way that I did, forgive someone that broke your trust the way that I did, forgive someone that is meant to love you the way that you did.

I am thankful for you my love, for you have shown me. Shown me that two wrongs don't make a right and that to make it right you have to start again. Find your roots back to the place where you began. The place where you can find your morals, your beliefs, the truth and yourself. Shown me that you have to make change to be able to move on, to gain back the trust to make it right. I know I have lied and I know I have cheated, and I know to never repeat it. For you my love, I will never know.. the day that you will be sick and tired of it, the day that you have enough.

I am thankful for you my love, because I am with you. You understand me like no one else. You love me for me with my flaws, at my worst and at my best.
Yes I am thankful for you my love. My love does not judge me but instead, should be able to confide in me.

But some days I don't feel it my love. I think it's because I still feel that I don't deserve you my love, your forgiveness my love. After all the tears and all the pain, why are you still with me my love. Why do you love me my love. I sometimes wished that you had just shut me out of your life and not forgiven me my love. Now I'm just being selfish, or maybe I just believe I don't deserve someone like you my love. You are one of a kind.

-- Exposed.
The anger, the thoughts, the memories, the choices, the forgiveness, the love.
I would not have any of them without any of the others. Life itself makes me wonder why I post the things I do. I guess a lot of this.. is not expressed, due to a lack of ability to express the heart and the mind in speech.
Now my mind is just blabbing on. 2:33 AM

Dream

Catch me when I fall.











Or else I won't come back at all.

Late night tonight, or should I say early morning.. 2:43AM and my father has just told me to go to bed. I think it's because I had a 13 hours sleep last night. Just got a lot on my mind or my body clock isn't ready to fall asleep! Second week of the semester.. going swell. I'm a bit behind my homework but I will catch up over the weekend. My head is going nuts I swear, sometimes I feel like crying just let my feelings/emotions convert into tears. Makes me feel less fat, fat being the feelings weighing me down. Unless this is just the post-tom reactions.. I doubt it though. My dreams have been out of whack lately. Usually I'd remember them the next day or remember it clearly.. but last night I was only able to remember a small part of my dream and the other half. Basically two parts to my dream, I remembered half but the other half was foggy.. weird. I don't know hey..

I've been thinking a bit about the past.. little things that I see which bring back memories, well moments of my life which happened long ago. It somehow gets mooshed into my dreams with the present. Weird. I can't explain it any better but I wish I could. My subconscious and conscious mind are somewhat interrelated but totally irrelevant to one another if you get what I mean. Anyhoo...

There's this other thing, sort of in my head but mainly further down.. a bit deeper maybe. Something inside of me that wants to jump out, burst out of it's bubble, go crazy, cry itself out.. I don't know! But it's something inside of me that is bugging me.. I don't know what it is!! Definitely not a crisis or anything... perhaps anger or rage.. some sort of feeling.. Gosh I'm going insane in the membrane of my brain!! Gees honey, issues much? I think it's just everything that I've been keeping inside for the past x time.. that hasn't been able to get out. Like Homer Simpson when he turned into the Hulk because he kept all his anger and emotions inside. One day I'm going to be the Hulk and just explode.. I hope not though, gosh.. I'd hate to be there when it hits the final straw.

2:59AM been up for 15 hours. Laters

The takeover, the break's over.

August 2, Back to University.

The joys of being back. My units this semester are hard core.. I shouldn't have drop the two units from last semester but it couldn't be helped, sort of had to. Anyways, I'm liking my classes so far.. my accounting tutor already remembers my name. I've got my game face on for this semester, I am studying hard this semester! Since I have a fantabulous reward at the end of it so BIG SMILES! I feel more focused this semester so yay! for me and yay! to me doing well this sem.. fingers crossed!

I've got so many things to do written down in my diary and I've been only able to tick off one sadly, need to sell my book tomorrow and go shopping for stationary. One book is not enough for me! I need to be extra organised this semester and I don't think my filing system from last semester worked. It felt like my notes and things were everywhere even though they were all in one single folder. Hrmm, better separate I suppose.. I need to find a more efficient way to note take and study!

Ooh I forgot to mention that I got my wisdom teeth yanked out! Still hurts when I yawn, laugh and eat like burgers and stuff.. gay!

Other things on my mind:
That one person.
CS next year?
Weddings!
Combine study and sleep? (My rooms!)
Bed frame
Holiday and Shopping list!