Full moon

Happy birthday S!

Memories brought back in my mind, the tide is pulled from side to side. Cold winds towards the shore, towards and over the limestone wall. The water crashing amongst the rocks, lights so bright glittered with moths. Seagulls afar swoop down to fish, as I sit there and make a wish. The night is dark and the stars are bright, chasing forever chasing the light. As time goes passing by, my mind is wondering why. Why do you feel the way do, why couldn't I pretend that I had no clue. Was I really that interesting? Or did you just feel like listening? You said that you had nothing but warm feelings, how foolish of me for believing. Your friendship, companionship, whatever you want to call it.. was all that should have been. I need not more nor less of a friend, because any more or any less would be the end. And it has ended, our friendship for now.. has ceased, one that you nor I can mend. If only you didn't feel the way that you did, all that has happen wouldn't exist.

No matter how much I hate what you did, I can't hold a grudge against it. For it was how you felt and so I had to deal with it. I was at fault as well, I tried to hide it, I tried to fight it, but somehow I fell. Fell into a hole and let my guard down, lost forever and never to be found. I knew from the moment that it happened, it was not right but why, WHY couldn't I fight it.

Ok. To the point.
I'll tell you why. I had made myself believe what I wanted to believe. But when what had happened did, it felt like a bubble had just burst within me. I had no control of it and that I couldn't stop it. I knew that what was about to happen, what happened, what did happen was wrong -- but it happened. Okay that last bit made sense in my head but sounds so confusing in writing. I just, I don't know. Well I do know actually. I have to admit that what had been a good friendship turned into a crush within a matter of seconds. The feeling that I hoped wouldn't be there but infact it had actually become real.

Oh the irony, the place we first talked and place that we stopped. Then you just had to come walking into the centre on the weekend of my birthday. F. Seriously, why did you have to show up and leave at that time. I wished I had never seen you because everything just came flooding back at me. Oh what nerve.

Why am I even writing this nonsense. ARGH. These thoughts anger me, the thought of it angers me, the thought of you angers me. To be honest, if I had the chance to turn back the clock and leave when I had the chance, I would've. Better to have been cruel to be kind, than be kind to get hurt. RAGE. You're so selfish, has anyone told you that before? You're a selfish human being. You knew where you stood, I told you were you stood, we even made it clear to each other but maybe it wasn't clear enough for you. It's silly how you said that even if you weren't drunk when it happened, you still would've wanted it to happen.

I had risked it all, and put everything on the line just for it. How stupid of me, how stupid, stupid, STUPID of me.

(tables turn)
Why did I have to risk it all, risk it all for you. Why was I so stupid, so careless.. and so selfish. I had everything a girl could ever want. A loving family, loving friends and a loving boyfriend that loved me. But why, seriously, why. It was a mistake but why don't I regret it as much? I guess the only thing I regret more than letting it happen is not leaving when I had the chance. I could've prevented this rather than trying to find a cure for it like a cancer. That is what I regret the most. Gosh I hate that.

At the end of the day, I can't stay mad at you and I only have myself to blame. My love, he shouldn't have been treated that way. The choices that I have made, my actions, the consequence that I had to deal with -- It's all me. All me. All my doings/my choices/my actions, and my consequence.

No one elses.

I am thankful to have someone like you my love, for you have given me another chance to redeem myself. To be able to show you that you're the only one for me. I know the choices I have made, may have been for all the wrong reasons. Some of them selfish and mistakes that I'll always remember. Mistakes that I will and am learning from. I know that everybody makes mistakes and we're only human. But how many mistakes can a human make? I wonder why (again why) why, you out of all people my love have forgiven me. How could you have ever forgiven someone that has hurt you the way that I did, forgive someone that cheated on you the way that I did, forgive someone that broke your trust the way that I did, forgive someone that is meant to love you the way that you did.

I am thankful for you my love, for you have shown me. Shown me that two wrongs don't make a right and that to make it right you have to start again. Find your roots back to the place where you began. The place where you can find your morals, your beliefs, the truth and yourself. Shown me that you have to make change to be able to move on, to gain back the trust to make it right. I know I have lied and I know I have cheated, and I know to never repeat it. For you my love, I will never know.. the day that you will be sick and tired of it, the day that you have enough.

I am thankful for you my love, because I am with you. You understand me like no one else. You love me for me with my flaws, at my worst and at my best.
Yes I am thankful for you my love. My love does not judge me but instead, should be able to confide in me.

But some days I don't feel it my love. I think it's because I still feel that I don't deserve you my love, your forgiveness my love. After all the tears and all the pain, why are you still with me my love. Why do you love me my love. I sometimes wished that you had just shut me out of your life and not forgiven me my love. Now I'm just being selfish, or maybe I just believe I don't deserve someone like you my love. You are one of a kind.

-- Exposed.
The anger, the thoughts, the memories, the choices, the forgiveness, the love.
I would not have any of them without any of the others. Life itself makes me wonder why I post the things I do. I guess a lot of this.. is not expressed, due to a lack of ability to express the heart and the mind in speech.
Now my mind is just blabbing on. 2:33 AM